


Attack of the Deranged Mutant Killer But Kind of Underwhelming Monster Snow Goons

by BarracudaHeart



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Gift Exchange, Secret Santa, Snow Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-13 21:49:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9143572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BarracudaHeart/pseuds/BarracudaHeart
Summary: A snow day goes particularly awry for Steven and Connie.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FourFaces](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FourFaces/gifts).



> This was my secret santa gift for my buddy FourFaces!

 

          "You know Steven, to really get the whole experience of sledding...you kind of have to remember to bring the sled," Connie sighed, rubbing her cheeks with her mittens.

 

          "I'm sorry," Steven slouched with embarrassment, "I can't believe I forgot it...I was just so caught up in how fun today was gonna be, I didn't grab it when I ran out the door. Oh!", he gasped, "Wait wait! We can use my shield!", he announced cheerfully, summoning the large pink item, and lay it on its face, gesturing for Connie to sit down.

 

But as soon as they both sat down, the shield deactivated and disappeared, leaving them both to sit in the cold fluffy snow. They gave a few more tries with the same result, and Steven puffed out his cheeks, blowing a raspberry, "Looks like it's on the fritz. Sorry."

 

"It's ok," his friend smiled reassuringly, "There's plenty of things we can do in the snow. There's tons of the stuff out here!", she waved around.

 

They'd discovered this part of the forest near Connie's house was a gold mine in the winter weather. With close to a foot of snow covering everything, and a nicely sloped hill for sledding, it made for a lot of fun. Connie had called Steven that morning to invite him to go sledding and play in the snow while it was still fresh and untouched. A few small animal tracks preceded their own, but the forest was close to uninhabited aside from the two children.

 

"Wanna catch snowflakes?", Steven smiled, climbing up a tree, inching himself up onto a branch.

 

"But it's not snowing!" Connie pointed out.

 

"I know~", Steven sing-songed, and shook the branch gently, letting small bits of snow fall off.

 

"Steven I think these are too big," Connie laughed, but opened her mouth anyway, "Fall!"

 

Steven shook the branch again, and Connie caught what snow she could on her tongue, getting a big amount on her face, leaving her in giggles, "Cold!"

 

"Sorry!", Steven laughed, and climbed down the tree, falling half a foot from the ground, and landing on his tush in the snow. Shaking himself off, he grabbed a handful of snow, and munched it, "Nothin' like the fresh snow flavor."

 

"Nothin' like it!", Connie mimicked, eating her own handful, "So long as it’s not yellow!"

 

"Ewww! That means it’s got pee!", Steven laughed, "...Or lemon syrup...which is just as gross!"

 

Connie giggled, and raised her hands into the air as she spun in a circle, "This weather is amazing! It's like...if it had a soundtrack, it would be Tchaikovsky!"

 

"Tchaiwhatwhat?", Steven tilted his head.

 

"You know!", Connie gestured, and began to sing out the notes to the Sugar Plum Fairy dance, making goofy faces and dance moves along to it.

 

“Well if that’s what it sounds like, I’m not sure if I agree!”, Steven teased, resulting in Connie tossing a playful handful of snow at him. Once he shook it out of his hair, he grinned, “Hey, you know what we should do next?? Snow people!”

 

“Yeah!”, Connie grinned, “Want to make them look like everyone we know?”

 

“Yesssss,” Steven whispered, “I must immortalize all of them...in snow.”

 

Steven was quick to start rolling a ball aimlessly on the ground, quickly getting it to reach a size almost as big as him.

 

“Who’s that going to be?”, Connie grinned as she started molding the mounds that would be her mother and father.

 

“My dad,” Steven grinned, “This is his torso.”

 

“It’s...so big!”, Connie laughed.

 

Soon, Steven was done with the snowman in his father’s image, complete with a beautiful leafy beard and partially balding mane of pine branches. He grinned as he saw Connie still working diligently on her snow family, and he began to follow suit, making one for himself, and for each of the Crystal Gems. He used rocks for their gemstones, and was careful to make them appealing, but also very close to likeness.

 

After several hours, they had created a snowperson for almost every person in Beach City: Jamie, the Deweys, Onion’s family, Lars and Sadie (Steven was VERY careful about making sure the former’s hair and piercings were accurate), the Pizzas, the Frymans, and even Suitcase Sam.

 

Connie was adding final touches to snow-Pearl’s spear when she grinned, “You know, there’s one person we still haven’t made a snowperson for!”

 

“Oh yeah?”, Steven grinned, “We should probably let them make it!”

 

Grabbing each other’s hand, a pink glow shone through the forest, and Stevonnie stepped forward with a grin, and began to make a snowperson in likeness of themself. Once they had finished, they split apart to let their two halves take a look at their handiwork, complete with a stocking cap and belly button rock.

 

“Not bad,” Steven grinned, and then suddenly sneezed onto the snowmen, “Whoof! I think that’s a sign we’ve been out here too long.”

 

“Yeah,” Connie laughed, “Want to go back to my house for hot chocolate-...well- I mean-...hot carob chips melted on the stovetop?”

 

“CAROB!!”, Steven cheered in delight.

 

* * *

 

 

That next morning, Steven was awoken by a loud smack on the window, and looked out, seeing what he thought was his reflection...but it was too pale...and too blank. And it moved on its own.

 

“U-uhhh...snow-Me?”, Steven called out, “I...think you’re supposed to be back in the forest.”

 

The snowperson promptly leaped off the sill and kicked the porch railing until it snapped in half, then staring blankly, but almost menacing, up at Steven.

 

“Th-that’s not nice!” Steven warned.

 

His attention was diverted by a surprised yelp from Pearl as she was suddenly attacked by a snowperson made in her likeness that had burst through the screen door, “What ARE these? Snow isn’t supposed to move!”

 

“O-Oh no!”, Steven groaned, “I...think I accidentally got my spit on the snow people Connie and I made yesterday when I sneezed.”

 

Pearl promptly decapitated the snowperson made in her likeness, “Oh Steven...you know to always cover your mouth when you sneeze-”, and while watching the freshly slain snow melt onto the hardwood floor, reached for the telephone when it rang. She then handed it to Steven after a moment, “It’s Connie.”

 

“Uhhh, Steven,” Connie began awkwardly, “You...know those snow people we made yesterday?”

 

“They came alive...I know,” Steven groaned, “Are they attacking your house?”

 

“Well...they just were until my mom drove off in her car, and ran them over. They were vandalizing her flower pots.”

“Oh,” Steven sucked in his cheeks, “Do you think the rest of them are still out there??”

 

“...I wouldn’t doubt it. And if they are, I’m pretty sure they’re causing trouble.”

 

“Aw man, Steven whined, “I guess not everything I bring to life can be super nice….”

 

* * *

 

  


Mayor Dewey was busy driving away from the pursuing snow-Mayor as it slid, leglessly, along the middle of the street, chasing after the campaign van as the vehicle pathetically chanted its slogan over and over, the siren having been damaged by the beastly creature’s slush balls. He promptly called that Universe boy on speed dial to request his assistance in what was apparently an awry statement against climate change.

 

* * *

 

 

“Steven, it’s Sadie,” the donut store clerk called from the store phone while standing on the counter,  swinging the dial box at the snow-Sadie who was attacking her, knocking an arm off it, “We’ve got a bit of a problem here-”

“BACK! BACK!”, Lars yelled, armed with a broom, failing to fend off the admittedly well done snowman in his image as it slid ominously towards him, and trapped him in the broom closet.  And even still, customers were coming in the door, impatiently waiting for service. “Hey donut girl, we don’t got all day!”

“A LITTLE BUSY AT THE MOMENT!”, she gritted her teeth.

 

* * *

 

  


Ronaldo cried in despair as he failed to retrieve his laptop from the snow incarnation of his brilliant mind, watching helplessly as it created a blog that was already getting more traffic than his ever did. ‘Keep SnowBeach City Weird’ didn’t even have a ring to it! Fate was cruel indeed.

“I’LL PEE IN YOU WHEN YOU COME BACK,” Ronaldo threatened with a sob.

 

* * *

 

 

Onion held a staring contest with a similar pair of coal eyes. He would win.

 

* * *

 

 

Greg was busy swinging a waffle iron at the snow-Greg that had wordlessly given him two sucker punches to the gut. Somehow Steven had something to do with this, and he wouldn’t blame him for a single second of it.

 

* * *

 

 

“Garnet!”, Steven yelped, sliding into the calm gem’s room from the crystal heart’s ventricles, “There’s-”

 

“I know,” she answered, pointing to the melted puddle on the ground, “I took care of it.”

 

“They’re all over town!”, he groaned, “How do I stop them?”

 

“Grab a hair dryer,” Garnet shrugged, “They’re...honestly more of a nuisance than an actual threat.”

 

Once he was armed, Steven called Connie, who was still peering out the window in concern, “Grab your curling iron! We have work to do!”

 

* * *

 

After less than an hour, Beach City had been saved by the power of a portable hair dryer and general global warming as the temperature turned to just above the temperature of freezing.

 

“Man,” Amethyst groaned, spraying out the contents of a can of whip cream only to eat the can, “That was stupid. Next time you make a bunch of snow monsters, could you at least give them like, weapons or something? Make this a little more fun?”

 

“Please don’t,” Pearl groaned, handing Connie and Steven two mugs of hot chocolate, two marshmallows in each.

 

Connie warmed her hands in front of the fire, “At least we know not to let you near anything when you have a cold!”, she gently teased Steven.

 

“Yeah,” Steven giggled, clinking his glass against Connie’s. This had been fun; even if it was a bit chaotic; doing stuff like this with her was always a lot of fun.

 

Munching a marshmallow, Connie furrowed her brow in thought, “I can’t shake the feeling we forgot something though.”

 

“...Nah,” Steven shrugged.

 

* * *

 

Kevin screamed as he was walloped with snowballs by a snowman with a fabulous hairstyle that resembled his, still in horror at how it had broken all the windows on his car, and written ‘KEVIN SUCKS’ on the driveway in spray paint. Mumsy and Father were going to be _pissed_.


End file.
